A few weeks ago, I wrote about the gift of forgiveness and the freedom and lightness we feel from letting go of anger and revenge towards others. Today I would like to focus on something a lot of patients have an equally hard doing, and that is being able to forgive themselves.
Actually I think it is perhaps a more difficult task to allow ourselves the same forgiveness that we extend to others. In order to do so we need to see ourselves in a more loving and compassionate way.
As I have said before, that holding on to anger and revengeful thoughts towards another is toxic and poisonous to ourselves. So is holding on to guilt. Guilt and shame are interconnecting and can be felt at the same time, but they not the same.
Guilt is the regret and sense of responsibility over our actions or behavior towards another person. Holding ourselves accountable for something we did that disturbs our conscious.
Shame is more of a feeling that makes us feel bad about ourselves, separating ourselves from others we deem more above our selves morally.
Everyone from time to time in the course of living will make unfortunate decisions and choices that may have hurt others and likewise ourselves. None of us can escape the very human nature that envelopes up, making up vulnerable to making mistakes and inappropriate choices.
As I look over my life, I too, with obviously greater hindsight, see where I strayed from the path at times because of my humanness. None of us are beyond faulting and letting others down, including ourselves.
Guilt is not a bad thing to feel, for it demonstrates that we have a conscious that is aware of right and wrong and good and bad. That is essential in the makeup of healthy individuals. Normal human beings are well equipped with this moral compass that guides and directs our actions for the most part.
T o never feel guilt and remorse is indicative of severe personality pathology, such as in narcissism and sociopathy, that is destructive in all realms of society. Those folks are totally unable to even comprehend the meaning of guilt.
So guilt is a red flag that gets us to look at our behavior, choices and decisions in order to make corrective decisions in the future. So we might say that our mistakes in judgment that lead ourselves astray became some of our greatest teachers.
The process of living is growing and learning and, if some of best lessons of life stem from us making those mistakes, then perhaps we are perfectly created to wander off the path sometimes in order for these lessons to sink in.
Therefore when we hang on to guilt, and self recrimination, we actually are denying our humanness and our infallibility. None of us belong on pedestals in the first place.
When we can accept our infallibility and our own imperfection, we can learn to accept the same in others. In doing so our hearts soften not only towards ourselves but others.
Forgiveness of others requires that we see the woundedness in that other person who hurt us; therefore we must have likewise a compassionate understanding of our own brokenness from which our own failings stem from.
We start to see ourselves in different ways, much as a loving parent sees their children. All kind and decent parents know and even expect that their children will make mistakes, but their love and appreciation of them never wavers.
We as adults, must learn to do the same for ourselves. Once we accept that we will falter along our path sometimes, and in doing so, we will have the chance to learn valuable lessons.
Our lapses in judgment can then lead us into a new way of behaving or reacting in the future. Our mistakes guide us towards taking an honest inventory, with intent to rectify whatever paved the way towards our hurtful behavior.
You will often hear alcoholics describe themselves as grateful alcoholics. Why? Because it was through the dark dredges of their alcoholism that they were finally brought into following a spiritual path. Though alcoholism is not a choice, some do harm to others and of course themselves during the severity of their addiction.
In working the 12 Steps as part of their recovery, step 8 and 9 becomes one of the most healing for them. They are asked to recognised the harm done to others and themselves in the course of their addiction and make amends whenever possible to others and themselves.
Generally they are asked to share thee failings with another person or their sponsor. Why? Because it is in the process of acknowledging and disclosing that we take first steps in healing from the guilt and shame.
Making amends and asking forgiveness from others who might have been hurt by our actions, must also include ourselves! This is equally important!
In Judaism, repentance and atonement is so essential, that several days of preparation and a whole day full of ceremonies called Yom Kippur is devoted to just that. Christian traditions, of Anglicism, Catholicism, and Orthodoxy, also have wonderfully compassionate rituals and prayers for this, called confession and reconciliation. Those who have used these rituals come away with a strong sense of lightness and renewal.
Self forgiveness is a gift that releases us from the bonds of shame that holds us hostage. It is a cleansing of the heart that lets new compassion and love flow in for ourselves and others.
I love the Aramaic( language that Jesus spoke) translation of the phrase in the Lord’s Prayer that asks “Loose the cords of mistakes binding us, as we release the strand we hold of others guilt” .
Indeed guilt and unforgiveness are truly tight cords that bind us. These “bindings” go with us apparently to the other side, at least in my interpretation, much like karma. In Christian scripture: “for what we are bound with on earth, so will it be in heaven”
Crossing the bridge towards forgiving ourselves frees us from the cords of shame that bind us. Self forgiveness recognises that we have learned from our mistakes; that we have changed within ourselves whatever lead us astray.
It is in forgiving ourselves, that we become more at ease with forgiving others. We are God’s creation, who allows our imperfection to be apart of our humanity. If God has the capacity to forgive us, then we must follow with the same love and compassion towards ourselves.
If only this kind of mentoring/guidance had been present during our formative years….
“Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or a greater benefit.” ~ Napoleon Hill (1883-1970)
Thank you my dear friend, not only for your very kind compliment, but for your reference of Napolean Hill, who had the wisdom of the ages. How true was his statement saying that we all benefit from our lapses of judgement, failures and adversity, for they are indeed are greatest teachers! Amen!
Beating yourself up about what happened days, weeks, months or even years ago? As much as we would like to, we cannot go in the past and correct those mistakes. However, we can make a decision to learn from them and start forgiving ourselves. One of the most important factors to realize is that you’re human; you will make mistakes. However, this doesn’t mean that you have to live with the guilt’s of your past.
Thank you Hazel for your enlightening comment. As you pointed out, learning from our mistakes is the key and is perhaps in the scheme of things why we end doing whatever turned out be a ” mistake”.