I remember dancing to Mick Jagger’s “I aint got no satisfaction” at the Locomotive discotheque near the Moulin Rouge in Paris at the mere age of 20, which pretty much sums up this title! As a young therapist I never realised how common the sexless marriage or practically sexless unions were. To me it was a misnomer, in that marriage always connoted some sort of sexual expression and union, but you would be surprised to discover they are more common than you would think! Except they are very hidden!
Sexual frequency is so variable in couples, and if mutually agreeable to both partners, then there is no real pathology. When sexual expression is no longer a part of a couple or extremely limited to a few times a year, then something is wrong. When sexual expression has to be begged for or coerced, then you have some really unhappy folks.
Obviously if there is only one spouse who avoids to the dismay of his partner, you have at least something to work on if you can succeed in getting the avoiding spouse in therapy, but that is not always very easy! I have run across marriages where both avoid any sexual expression and it is deemed as normal as apple pie. In these incidences there is denial going on in both spouses, thought rarely will they will see it that way. Some have no desire to change any aspect of their sexual sterile union, saying sex just is no longer important to them, at least I will hear that initially in therapy.
I remember one very accomplished woman who had a very high position in her company coming in with a presenting problem of “just not feeling the same”. That is about a pretty generic complaint as it gets. But not surprising it was just a camouflage of much deeper trouble that had been ongoing in her “marriage”. No sex for over 12 years, no real companionship and ongoing criticism from her husband over all aspects of her life. She threw herself very successfully in her work and raising her children, which was her safe oasis in the desert she never saw around her. Underneath her tranquil malaise was the many unrecognised and unmet needs for intimacy and a lifetime of avoidance to keep the status quo. Her husband denied he had any problems in his marriage and was happy as it was.
All hell broke loose when she finally peered into her vacuum and started to make demands in her marriage. With a husband who was not interested in making any changes the marriage finally disintigrated. The good news is that this lovely lady found love again in her 50’s and eventually remarried.
Other reasons for sexless marriages I have found are lost of desire through menopause or andropause, vaginismus, chronic untreated depression, erectile dysfunction, physical illness, past history of sexual abuse in a spouse, madonna whore syndrome, infidelity, covert homosexuality, chronic severe marital rife, and brother/sister perception. Some of these reasons certainly deserve a whole article for further exploration, which I will do in the future.
The bottom line is that human beings who are blessed with a viable partner, married or not, have every right to expect and need some form of sexual expression well into “old age”. To withhold this sacred physical intimacy in a mutual union is a selfish denial that will engender hurt and deep feelings of rejection, and cause emotionally distancing and fracturing of any relationship.
Enjoyed reading. Don’t you think sometimes meds contribute loss of interest in sex. Me, I haven’t dated anyone in so long, and that makes intimacy scarey in the beginning. There are so many, many singles today, who would love the chance to be in love again and have a close bond. I am working on that, so wish me luck. Sure is scarey after this many years. I will look forward to your blogs.
Thank you Dianne for bringing up the correlation between loss of libido and certain medicines. I did not include that as a cause of long standing asexualism in marriages, but it is certainly an offender short term! Loss of libido is a classic symptom of depression, but the most popular medicines to treat depression these days are one of the biggest offenders. Specifically they are the class of antidepressants called SSRIs. They certainly have a reputation for not only dampening libidos, but some can retard or interfere with orgasmic potential.
Some anti-hypertensives are culprits too, along with the overprescribed statins. In younger folks, oral contraceptives in women, and in males, steroid use to increase muscle mass.
Thank you also for bringing up the plight of sexual issues and being single. This topic is deserving of much more discussion, hopefully in the future.
Dear Cherry,
I loved reading your article too. I did not realize that you are a psychotherapist in Paris. That in itself is fascinating. I would love to read your biography since leaving Monroe, Louisiana! Just returned from visiting the Normandy region of France—on Monday the 18th. It was lovely and I did think of you.
It is so odd, but I find it hard to think of the French needing therapy. My vision is of enlightened folks without the hangups we Americans seem to have. Guess I am wrong about that!!
I would love to read your articles and blogs.
I do hope you are okay. Will have to look through the threads to see what happened. Best wishes!!
Jeanne, Thank you so much for your support! I followed your trip on facebook with much interest. How interesting to have gone down the coast of Scotland and England then across the channel into France. The beaches of Normandy and the American Cemetery were very sobering and emotional for me too.
95% of my patients are anglo speaking, with just a few French, who lovingly put up with me and my fractured French! Depression and losses know no cultural boundaries. We are basically all the same!
Cherry I am impressed. Enjoyed your article. Love Connie
Hi Connie, So glad you liked the article! Hope there will be others in the future that will interest you.
Hugs!