How many times have some of you lamented with much grief and sorrow that someone you loved never returned your affection. Left with only with a broken heart and bitter crumbs from a failed relationship, you limp through life seeking the “why” of it all.
I want to tell you that what your weeping eyes were never able to see. Right now you are feeling crushed under the mountains of pain that has tumbled down on you, yet please hear that if your relationship had continued it could have led you to suffer much more than your agonizing heartbreak.
The reason you couldn’t see beyond was because you had a blind spot. It was caused by being overly clouded with hopes and denial, so you weren’t able to see the continued misery or even danger down the road if your relationship had continued.
Your moments of bliss and happiness would have eventually crumbled into a despair that you could have never seen nor imagined. Sometimes, these perceived failed relationships are in reality a successful rescue mission in disguise.
The heavens and angels, or however you see the universe, reached down and literally plucked you to safety. Of course you have zero conviction at the time that you were being saved.
If you are in the midst of intense suffering because of a breakup, you could easily dismiss what I am saying. Nevertheless, I am asking you to go through your sorrow and take a glimpse of some of the signs that your relationship was probably doomed from the beginning to ever bringing you happiness.
The key truth to retain right now is that basically human beings rarely if ever change. Whatever you have already been through with your beloved that caused you pain would recur over and over if your relationship had continued.
Were you lied to? Were you manipulated? Were you chronically rejected and abandoned, then sought after again, with or without apologies? Were you the victim of emotional abuse of being constantly put down, ridiculed, criticized, dominated and controlled?
Were you victimized physically or emotionally by chronic angry assaults? Were you cheated on? Was your love and affection rarely reciprocal? Was your care, interest and concern for your partner rarely returned regarding you? Was your own investment in the relationship one-sided?
No matter how much you could have hoped and prayed that things would get better between you two, it would have been futile. You could have waited for the rivers to run dry and there is a very good chance things would have stayed exactly the same.
Wanting to return to someone who caused you pain is a sickness in itself, that can keep you unhealed for a very long time. There are many reasons for this, usually stemming from unmet needs during your childhood.
When you don’t get your emotional needs met by your parents, it leaves an unhealed wound that when you are an adult is constantly on the lookout to be healed. The big problem is that you find yourself attracted to partners that end up resembling in varying degrees the very parents who created the first hurtful wound to begin with.
They may initially seem completely different, but as their real selves comes out, you are faced with the same unresolved hurts experienced with the very first people you trusted to love you unconditionally.
The reason you try to make your handicapped relationships work is because your psyche desperately wants to heal that gaping wound through your partner. They are a de facto representative of the conflictual or neglectful parent with whom you never got your needs met.
Another reason you hang in with all the hope in the world, is because frankly your conflictual relationship is at least “known” and “familiar” to you, because you have already lived through it with your parents.
You can’t go back and heal that initial hurt in childhood, so you will invest a lot of energy in trying to get your beloved to treat you differently. Unfortunately, they rarely can give you what you have missed, because a lot of the times, they are as handicapped as your parents.
Some human beings don’t have the capacity to return feelings to anybody, because they are basically emotionally empty themselves. Sometimes, they are caught in the same unresolved conflicts of their own, very similar to those of your parents, that impede them from reciprocating your love.
The reasons can be very varied and complicated, but the bottom line is that they are there. I want to tell you that despite your best and most loving intentions, you rarely can heal them.
First of all they have to recognise their own woundedness and are willing to try to work on that themselves. Maybe your relationship with them offered a chance to heal, but they were blind to their own deficits.
Human beings only change when they want to and when they feel in need of doing so. You have no power over them to facilitate this process, unless they want help, whether you are their companion or therapist.
Accepting this is very difficult thing to do. Hanging on to a painful and empty relationship, you will be ravaged with continued pain.
In the end you will become the self-imposed martyr, by allowing yourself to be chronically hurt and deceived.
If it is any consolidation about your loss, know that whatever you suffered, will be reenacted upon their future companions. Abusive people will continue to abuse whoever falls into their trap.
Sometimes you have to wait many years to become aware of this. Ex’s can be very valuable in confirming that whatever misery you suffered, they did too.
However painful of an ordeal your failed relationship was, please allow it to define what you are no longer willing to endure again in another one. Search for reasons why you allow yourself to be abused or why you wanted to stay in a sterile relationship.
Therapy can be a wonderful and safe exploration into you and why you had those unhealthy tendencies that led you to companions, not worthy of your love.
Allow your pain to push you onto a spiritual journey that will offer some healing peace and comfort. I have often seen patients springboard on a healing journey only because of a painful loss relationship.
There is much hope that you will love again, for you were made to seek love. Learn to love yourself though before you embark on another search.
By learning to nourish and love yourself first, you will be less likely to be drawn to those that are empty and devoid of any capacity to meet that which you are now giving yourself!
Believe in your own goodness and ability to love. Be very discerning around who you will allow into your heart again.
Someday, I hope you will have the opportunity to see that your failed relationship was to save you from even more pain. Be grateful that you were rescued without even knowing it!
While comforting and healing your own heart, please know that you are giving your heart the best chance to love again. Believe in Love!
Addendum: Would love to hear from others who have been able to see they were rescued from a future even worse.
Perhaps the biggest flaw in our humanity is that “we want what we want; and it is difficult to give up those emotional desires in spite of the realities of life. People just tend to hang on for far too long in hopeless situations. As Einstein’s definition of “insanity” stated: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again in the same ways, hoping that the outcome will be different.” I think that may be especially true when it comes to human emotions and desires. People tend to ignore the “common sense aspects” of failed relationships, and stay mired in irrespvable relationships rather than just “moving on with their lives”.
Human emotions override logic and “common sense” in these matters.
Thank you David for your very well stated comment. Human emotions are indeed sometimes incomprehensible, especially in relationships that are sterile or abusive, defying all logic!
Cherry this takes me back to around 33
years ago. Where a dead end job and a failed relationship had pushed me to the edge and over the edge was the way out.
The Heavenly Angeles literally did Plucked me back to safety and lead me to you but I had a big blind spot . If only I could have seen what was to come Back then.
Thank you Cherry so very much for putting up with me and helping me to get where I’m at today!
Isham, your very kind testimony touched my heart as much as your suffering did 33 years ago. I remember seeing your extraordinary knowledge and talent beyond the pain that had so clouded your world. I must admit I was very frightened to losing you, and it was a tough fight keeping you on planet earth! Certainly your angels kept protecting you from yourself, until my message of hope sifted in. Seeing you prosper and grow into all that you are today, sharing with others your wonderful knowledge is for me a monumental happiness. Thank you for allowing me, with God’s intervention, to help you heal. Your story can give others hope to stick around to feel happiness again!