Secrets Are For Sharing

Have you ever thought that if people knew something about you,  that you have kept secret for many years, they would think less of you, or worst even abandon you?

Could you believe that the very people you are hiding something from, have their own secrets that they too would perhaps like to share?

Secrets are for sharing, for keeping them within only serves to harm and isolate you from others.  Untold secrets can fester like purulent pus of some ongoing infection requiring building thick fortress like walls to contain within that you are most fearful of revealing.

Life is tough to live for all of us. I would venture to say that almost every human being on earth has a hurt, fear or even a past, that is hidden within.   More than likely, you would never know.

It is a universal truth that most human beings walk around with doubts, fears, sadness, abuse, hopelessness and I could go on. Masks are made for masking and most people do this very well indeed.  The smile you see may cover up a deep sorrow.

The crystalline confidence exuding from someone in power may be as false as his persona.   I remember a three star general, who suffered from an awful self-esteem and despite his apparent career achievements and multiple stripes, was tormented by severe self doubts.

We have to keep face because we think, however erroneously, that everyone else has it all together.  And that my dears, is just a plain lie.  No one goes around being really totally honest about how they feel.

I realise to a certain extent, that this may be culturally oriented.  The Asians are notorious for being extremely opaque.  Likewise, the French in general, are much less open than Americans to sharing, unless you are within their circle of confidents.

I think it is perfectly ok to let people know you are worried and not up to par.   When we deprive others of letting them know how we feel, we also deprive ourselves of being listened to and comforted.

Did you ever think that just maybe they have had the same feelings too?   Did it ever occur to you that maybe they would like to tell you how they really feel?

I am not against social decorum, but a little authenticity would be refreshing. I am not calling for broadcasting how miserable you are to each and all.

There are people in your circle that care about you and I am sure you know who they are. There are plenty of ways to let people know you don’t feel good.

Nothing wrong with saying “well, I am not great”.   Or what about “It could be better”.  Those who care will stop and ask what’s up.

There is nothing wrong either asking for a hug.  Perhaps only in America though!  Although the French can certainly offer comfort in their on way, I have found that they don’t know what to do with a hug or hugging!

Since  I have a very hard time denying that I  am worried or not feeling food, I have in the past asked for hugs from friends and colleagues.    Actually people enjoy being asked  because it makes them feel significant that you turned to them.  The bottom line is most folks like to be of help.

Psychotherapy and or self-help groups are wonderful in providing an opportunity to meet other people who are suffering from the same hurts and pain as you.  You realise that you are not alone, and can identify with the similarities that you have already experienced.

I would like to add my belief that therapists too, need to be as authentic as they hope their patients will be.  Therapists do not live in ivory towers devoid of real human stress, sorrows and strife.  My time will always belong 100% to my patients, not me, but I can certainly briefly be real about my mood, if asked, and go on with their therapy.

I remember well a time when a certain patient  triggered a strong grief response in me.  After I said goodbye to my her, I found myself very tearful and openly cried again over the death of my cousin that occurred when I was only 12 years old.

Fortunately it was lunch time, but because I couldn’t hide my red and swollen eyes by my next session, I ended up having to reveal the truth.  My brief disclosure precipitated an incredible floodgate for my patient’s own buried grief, which turned out to be an extremely productive catharsis for her.

Being human and suffering in a universal reality that we all share.  Beware of isolating yourself, thinking that you are the only one to have this sorrow, doubt or fear.

Your boss, your teacher, your guru, your best friend, and yes, even therapist have all suffered.  You are never alone with your pain, unless you choose to believe your suffering is incomprehensible to others.

There are some secrets that disturb, torment and fester, either consciously or buried that are better off being shared initially with a professional therapist.    The deepest and the most hurtful of all is to have been sexually molested, but never revealed.

Due to very nature of this type of abuse, there are feelings of anger and shame,  which can lie dormant in the recesses of the psyche.    All  sexual abused patients harbor this.

At times even awareness of abuse can be locked away in their unconscious and will surface many years later.  Those that are aware often suffer is silence until they have the courage to confide their pain.

Aside from other deeply disturbing events, such as above, none of us are that unique in our humanity.   We are all open to the same human difficulties and pitfalls that life entails.

The bottom line, is when you share a fear, doubt or pain with another person, you are being authentically real and human.  You are also giving them an opportunity to share their own hidden selves or secrets with you!

I remember when I  was invited to a picnic in the Bois de Boulogne, a sprawling huge forested area cupping the western edge of Paris.  Two invitees, I had never met and the others only once before.  I chose to share my concern and worry about a family matter, and within minutes another started to open up about their own family problems.

Have you ever sat next to a total stranger on a flight and before you knew it,  found yourself revealing much more than you ordinarily do?  I know this has happened to me several times, and each time, this has led to a mutual outpouring of feelings.

These personal vignettes once again validates my universal conviction that only when we have the courage to reveal our true selves, do we invite our fellow human voyagers in this life to share theirs.

Our boundaries become porous when we allow ourselves to share our own secrets, vulnerabilities and true feelings.     And being seen, with all of our human frailties builds bridges to the hearts of others.